


What One Cannot Change

by HollyMartins



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Adopted Children, Adoption, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussion of Pregnancy, F/M, Family, Female Spock, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, Genderswap, Infertility, Insecurity, Miscommunication, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Spock's female name is T'Pock, Star Trek Beyond Spoilers, always female Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-29 12:02:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8488672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyMartins/pseuds/HollyMartins
Summary: It is illogical to feel guilt about something one cannot change, T'Pock reminds herself. One cannot feel guilt over one's nature.___T'Pock and Jim embark on a romantic relationship and though they are honest with one another, there is one thing that T'Pock has neglected to inform him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ohmigosh, I am so nervous. This is the first time I'm writing Star Trek fanfic and I am so worried that this is OOC. Please let me know what you think and if anything should be edited. I just want to do right by my Star Trek otp. Not beta-ed so please be careful.
> 
> Also, I have a weakness for female!Spock so please be aware that that is what I wrote. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: this story discusses infertility openly.

About halfway through Jim’s birthday party, Demora Sulu arrives hand-in-hand with her babysitter. T’Pock notices that the attention of the party shifts abruptly to the little girl and Jim does not seem to mind. Actually, he appears overjoyed at Demora’s appearance and he greets her happily when she is gathered up in Sulu’s arms.

T’Pock cocks her head to the side and watches. It was her understanding that birthdays are very important to humans and they rarely enjoy sharing the spotlight, so to speak. But Jim is a very odd human.

She stands to the side as her fellow crewmembers coo over the toddler, who hides her face in her father’s neck and smiles shyly at the undivided attention. T'Pock notices that Demora brushes her silky black hair over her face in a manner very similar as she used to as a small child, terrified of strangers and uncomfortable at any notice. An illogical rush of affection sweeps through T'Pock for the little girl, though she had only met her once before when the child had been an infant.

With time, Demora becomes more comfortable and after a half-hour, she no longer hides in her father’s chest. Instead, she gazes upon the activity around her with wide-eyed interest and even smiles sweetly at several crewmembers, giggling when Chekov pretends to steal her nose. Why that would be funny or even possible, T'Pock has no idea but apparently it delights her.

“She’s cute, huh?”

T’Pock turns and gazes upon Jim as he nods his head towards the toddler.

“She is aesthetically pleasing for a human child,” T’Pock replies.

Jim laughs.

“Guess Vulcans don't do those creepy baby beauty pageants, right?”

T’Pock considers his words carefully.

“Baby beauty pageants,” she repeats. “I fail to understand.”

“Me too,” Jim says. “They’re weird. But you gotta admit, Demora is a cute kid and sweet as hell.”

“I have not spent time with her to ascertain her personality.”

“Aw, come on," he replies and puts down his drink. “I'll introduce you.”

T’Pock barely has time to assure him it is not necessary before Jim saunters over to Sulu and his husband and holds out his arms to Demora. She peers up at their captain and, after a few moments’ consideration, deems him acceptable and reaches out to him, as well. Sulu laughs and hands her over and before she knew it, Jim is walking over to T’Pock, a toddler in his arms.

“Wanna say ‘hi’ to my friend T’Pock, Demora?” Jim asked. “She’s lots of fun.”

T’Pock has no idea how he quantified such a statement but she remains silent as Demora looks her over inquisitively. She suddenly feels uncertain and a strange need for this human child to approve of her grows.

“Hello, Demora,” she says gently. “I work with your father and Captain James Kirk.”

Demora looks at Jim, confusion evident in her face.

“She means me, kiddo,” Jim said, grinning. “She’s also friends with your daddy.”

“Hi,” Demora says shyly and seems to fold herself closer to Jim. T’Pock swallows. She knows Vulcans’ appearances can be rather alarming for an unfamiliar human child. She glances down at the ground, trying desperately to determine a logical reason why she should feel inadequate in front of a small child.

“Hey,” Jim says suddenly, “look, you and T’Pock have the same type of hair!”

T’Pock looks up, wondering why this was any sort of impressive discovery but Demora lights up and grabs a fistful of her own ebony hair to show the Vulcan.

“Lookit!” she exclaims. “Twins!”

“You are twins!” Jim laughs.

“Your hair is longer than mine, however,” T’Pock observes, smiling softly. “When I was young, my hair was similar to yours.”

“Yeah?” Jim asks, raising an eyebrow. “I’d like to see holos of that.”

T’Pock says nothing, taking this statement and tucking it into her mind for future reference. Suddenly, Demora reaches out her arms towards her, motioning to be picked up. T’Pock stares.

“Aw, come on,” Jim says, “you can hold her.”

“I’m afraid I do not have much experience with children.”

Demora pouts and stretches further.

“She’s gonna cry,” Jim warns and T’Pock frowns before reaching out and, with a wide grin from Demora, takes the toddler into her arms stiffly. She giggles and brushes T’Pock’s silky hair through her tiny, chubby fingers. She stares at the small girl and wills herself to relax. _Do not be stern_ ; she whispers to herself, _this is not a Vulcan_. She tries to think of her mother, remembering how gentle and warm her touch had always been. _I shall never be my mother_. 

T’Pock glances up and notices with a start that Jim is gazing at the two of them with an odd expression, a wistful smile on his face.

“She likes you,” he says gently.

“I find her companionable, as well,” she replies and Jim’s smile widens.

Suddenly, Sulu and his husband appear at their side.

“Is Demora being good?” he asks, gazing at his daughter affectionately and reaching out.

“She is very polite for a human child,” T’Pock replies and hands the toddler over, her arms suddenly cold.

Sulu and Ben laugh and kiss their daughter.

“Glad to hear it,” Sulu says. “Thanks for watching her but it’s time for someone’s dinner.”

“Pock!” Demora says firmly. “I want Pock with me.”

Jim giggles—yes, he giggles, much to T’Pock’s shock—and Sulu tries valiantly to suppress his smile.

“Ms. T’Pock has other things to do, sweetheart,” he says. “Come on, let’s go eat.”

Before T’Pock has a chance to insist that she does not mind eating with Demora, Sulu and Ben thank Jim and her again and walk their daughter over to the food display. T’Pock swallows and watches as Demora smiles at her over her father’s shoulder. She turns towards Jim and again, is struck by the strange look on his face.

“Looks like you got a fan,” he says, nudging her gently.

“She most likely is fascinated by the sight of a Vulcan,” T’Pock replies.

“There are other Vulcans here in Yorktown,” he answers. “I think it’s just your natural charm and way with kids.”

He grins as T’Pock shoots him a withering look and she spends the rest of the day cataloging Jim’s various facial expressions.

 

The Enterprise refitting is taking longer than expected and the crew is growing restless. Even T’Pock is not immune to the desire of being among the stars once again.

Therefore, when a message comes in from Starfleet about checking in on the construction of a new shipyard on New Vulcan, Jim just about jumps at the chance to get off the starbase.

Together with Scotty, Jim and T’Pock board a shuttlecraft to New Vulcan and the captain waits until they are en route before leaning over and inquiring if she was interested in visiting with her father.

“He is currently off-planet,” she replies.

“Oh?” Jim says. “I didn’t realize. Is he on Earth?”

“Yes.”

“You know, we have several more weeks in Yorktown,” he says. “I can easily approve a trip to Earth for you to visit him.”

T’Pock is silent for several moments.

“That is unnecessary,” she answers.

“You sure?” Jim asks.

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim looks as if he wishes to continue but instead he nods and leans back into his chair. T'Pock turns back to the window and watches as New Vulcan approaches.

 

Jim, T’Pock, and Scotty tour the construction and, as usual, Vulcans are more than successful in building an efficient, modern shipyard ahead of schedule and well under budget. Nonetheless, Scotty finds plenty to discuss with the engineers, monopolizing the conversation and most likely alarming the Vulcans with his energetic excitement.

T’Pock listens attentively, her hands behind her back, when the local Starfleet ambassador approaches.

“Commander T’Pock,” he says, “I wish to extol my gratitude for your father. He was instrumental in the construction and organization of several education centers in the colony.”

“I am gratified,” she replies, “but it would be more logical to extend your thanks to him directly.”

“We have,” the ambassador said, “but he insisted that his inspiration in ensuring that our young Vulcans have modern, proficient, and more—shall we say, progressive—schooling came directly from you.”

T’Pock blinks.

“Progressive?” she repeats, stunned.

“That is the most suitable word to describe our latest educational facilities. The nearest one is less than six kilometers from here. Would you care to inspect it?”

Before she has a chance to politely refuse, Jim appears, a wide-eyed look on his face.

"A school?" he asks. "With little Vulcan kids?"

"Obviously, Captain," T’Pock replies blandly.

"We have to go!" Jim exclaims. "I’ve never seen Vulcan babies!"

"They are not infants," she points out. "They are school-aged children.”

"We're going, Tee," Jim insists. He turned to the ambassador, "Lead the way, sir."

 

"They're so cute!" Jim gasps.

T’Pock, Jim, and the ambassador are observing a typical Vulcan classroom for the youngest children and for some reason Jim finds this delightful. 

"They are quite typical," T'Pock replies, observing passively. Her memories of her education on Vulcan are still unpleasant and she is irritated that she feels uncomfortable.

"Oh my God, I just want to put them in my pocket," Jim gushes, waving when one curious Vulcan student turns and stares at the two strange visitors.

"That is a highly illogical reaction," T'Pock observes, raising an eyebrow.

Jim grins and greets the headmaster, congratulating her on a beautiful and efficient school. T'Pock speaks to her for several minutes about the updated curriculum and the difficulties in educating a new generation of Vulcan children so they do not forget their history and lost home world.

Later, T'Pock estimates she had been in conversation with the headmaster for 4.6 minutes when she turns and stops short. There, in the center of the classroom, sits Jim with a gaggle of tiny Vulcan students circled around him.

He is gesturing wildly and seems to have completely entranced the children. A human observing the scene would assume that the children were bored but T'Pock and Jim—after years with a Vulcan first officer—see that his tall tales and his very strange ears mesmerize them.

A feeling T'Pock could only describe as a warm glow flushes through her as she watches her captain entertain the children. The feeling only grows when Jim glances over his shoulder and smiles brightly at her. When she glances back at the headmaster and sees her disapproving expression, she knows she had smiled, too.

 

T'Pock is extremely grateful that Jim does not refer to her father or even the school as they return to the shipyard. The several hours on New Vulcan have disquieted her and she is looking forward to meditating when they returned to Yorktown. She hopes the ride on the shuttlecraft back will be quiet but of course, she is traveling with Jim.

"Did you have a good time?" he asks as Scotty snores behind them.

"Good is a imprecise term," she replies. "I assume you mean did I enjoy myself?"

"Yeah."

She hesitates before answering, "I did not mind as much as I had worried."

Rather than questioning her, Jim merely nods and leans back in his seat.

"I get it," he said quietly. "I get that way before going back to Iowa.”

T'Pock looks at him, suddenly aware that she has only heard Jim mention his home less than a handful of times. He glances at her sideways and clears his throat.

"You know," he says, "it's not easy. Mom and me...we didn't have the best relationship. I mean, she tried and I'm a lot more forgiving now but for a long time...I was angry."

T'Pock cocks her head to the side as she considers this. She knew, of course, that Jim wasn't all easy smiles and brave confidence. She has seen some of the sadness he carries but it had always seemed like a light weight to bear.

"We are more alike than people would imagine," she observes. "We both have had...difficult childhoods with a parent that...perhaps tried but did not quite know how to..." Her voice trails off. For once, T'Pock has no idea what to say.

Jim smiles.

"At least you had your mom," he says quietly.

"Yes," T'Pock replies and gazes down at her hands in her lap, "I had her. Briefly."

"I am sorry," he says. "I don't know if I ever told you that but I am."

"You need not apologize."

"Well, I want to," he insists.

"Then I desire to apologize for the fact that you did not have an understanding parent."

Jim huffs a laugh.

"That's putting it lightly," he snorts. He rests his head back against the headrest and stares up at the ceiling of the shuttlecraft. "You know what I promised myself when I was twelve?"

T'Pock furrows her brow and wonders where he is going with that statement.

"I did not know you then so I cannot guess," she answers.

Jim smiles and says, "I promised that when I had kids, I was going to be the most hands-on, awesome, loving dad there ever was." He looks back at T'Pock, his blue eyes wide and open. "I was actually thinking about that as a kid. Isn't that weird? Guess it shows how badly I wanted a normal, happy family."

T'Pock swallows and returns her gaze to her lap. She unclenches her hands and splays her fingers on her knees.

"Do you still plan on having children?" she asks and feels the heat rise in her face. What an inappropriately personal question.

"Course," Jim says, shrugging. "Someday."

T'Pock nods and gazes out the window, Yorktown bright in the distance. Unbidden, the image of Demora's tiny, smiling face appears in her mind.

"Sulu will be disheartened to leave his daughter behind again," she says.

"Yeah, that sucks," Jim sighs. "I don't know if I could do that."

T'Pock looks back at her captain, a slight frown on her face.

"You would give up being a captain for a family?" she asks, surprised.

Again, Jim shrugs.

"I think so," he says. "My mom was never planetside when I was growing up and it was horrible. But who knows what the future holds?" He grins. "Maybe I'll be one of those stay-at-home dads, cooking and cleaning and helping with homework."

"You are an abysmal cook," T'Pock observes.

Jim laughs. "Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. And it's not like you got sick that time I cooked on shore leave."

"I did not," she agrees. "Doctor McCoy and Chekov were not so lucky."

"That was from all the alcohol they had beforehand," Jim says, waving his hand.

"If you insist," T'Pock says and turns her gaze away from Jim's smile. She closes her eyes and tries to clear her thoughts.

 

It is in Yorktown that it happens.

T'Pock knows now, as an adult, that her parents had loved one another deeply but she had never assumed that she would experience true love. Yes, there had been the occasional partner and as a child, it had been discussed if she would be bonded to a fellow Vulcan but her mother had refused to allow that to happen, claiming arranged marriages were illogical. Now that the Vulcan population had been decimated, she often felt guilt for not returning to the colony. But, with the guidance of her older self, she had refused to allow that emotion to overwhelm her and focus, instead, on her career in Starfleet.

And so, T'Pock, without a hint of self-loathing or self-pity, assumed that she would not fall in love—an odd term that humans were fond of using.

Then Jim Kirk blasted his way into her life and now, three years into their five-year mission, she discovers that the human term is bizarrely accurate. It is rather like falling; a slow descent into warm, calm water. Just when she had begun the descent, T'Pock could not pinpoint exactly but for once, she does not mind being inaccurate. All she knows for certain is that when she looks at Jim, a term other than captain comes to mind: _t’hy’la._

It shocks her but not as much as the fact that Jim reciprocates does, which he admits during an argument between the two one evening. Just what the argument was about, she is uncertain but she remembers Jim all but throwing his hands up and exclaiming, “I’m in love with you! Haven’t you noticed? You’re supposed to be the smart one!”

T’Pock manages to accurately inform Jim that her IQ is quite higher than his before reaching out and taking his hand in hers. He stares down at their entwined fingers, slack-jawed, and then looks up at her, a dazzling smile on his face.

“You love me, too,” he whispers.

“Yes, Jim,” she replies. “Haven’t you noticed?”

Of course, she later insists they inform Starfleet of their relationship per regulations and Jim merely laughs and agrees, kissing her on her bare shoulder.

"Anything you say, Commander," he says and T'Pock feels herself smiling. It is still a rather new sensation but one she can easily see herself getting used to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I present the second chapter of my very first Star Trek fanfic. Please remember that this is not beta read so please be gentle! Thank you for reading and comments are love! 
> 
> Stay tuned for the next and final chapter! xoxo

For the first time in a very long time, T'Pock finds herself unable to solve a dilemma.

You see, she cannot remember a time when she did not know that she is infertile. It is as intrinsic a part of her as her green blood. She had never felt sadness over it because it is illogical to grieve what one cannot change and she had never truly thought about having children simply because she was never quite certain if she would ever have a bondmate. Of course, she could adopt children on her own but between her tense adolescence, her escape to Starfleet, and finally, her demanding job as the best first officer in the fleet, she never imagined a time when that would be a feasible option.

When she has a spare moment on the bridge or she lies beside him in a dark room as he sleeps, she wonders if Jim is aware of her inability to conceive. He must remember from his biology classes at the Academy. He is not a foolish man but perhaps…perhaps he’s forgotten. Or perhaps he merely hopes.   

_One cannot feel guilt over one's nature,_ she often reminds herself.

The human side of her does however and perhaps, even her Vulcan side. With so few Vulcans left, she has nothing to offer the slowly growing population of New Vulcan.

But as she ascends into the newly refurbished Enterprise, one step behind Jim, she cannot help but feel that she is valued. As Jim grins at her as they walk onto the new, bright, beautiful bridge, she knows she is needed here.

 

The first several weeks are calm and quite ordinary. Leaving Yorktown behind, as lovely as it was, is a joy to the crew and standing at the science station, T’Pock feels secure. Therefore, she does not expect the medical supply run to a colony in Alpha Centauri will be anything but calm. Doctor McCoy and two nurses beam down and an hour goes by before the doctor alerts the captain that he has a medical emergency and is beaming up a patient. T’Pock can sense Jim’s distress before she sees it and together, they hurry to the transporter room. They arrive just as McCoy rushes out, a little human boy in his arms, terribly thin and with an alarming tint of green to his complexion.

T’Pock watches as the doctor barks out orders and his nurses procure a stretcher for the patient.

"What's wrong with him?" Jim asks, staring at the young boy as the group rushes to medbay.

"The auroral plague, if I am not mistaken," T'Pock replies though the question had clearly been directed towards McCoy. "This child looks to be in the final stages." 

"It won't be final if I get the right antibodies in him," McCoy says gruffly as they wheel into medbay. Along with the nurses, he begins gathering supplies. The boy curls up onto his side and moans pitifully. 

"Hey, it's gonna be okay," Jim says gently, approaching the child. "You're in good hands now." 

"And keep your damn hands to yourself, Jim," McCoy barks. "Unless you want a hypo of Saurian virus antibodies, too."

"You got that?" Jim asks, raising his eyebrows.

"Of course, I do. What do you think this is: a dog and pony show up here?" McCoy asks, sending one of his patented glares Jim's way. "This isn't that damn colony."

"What's wrong with it?"

"You oughta see the primitive medical facilities they got down there. You can bet your ass I'll be including the fact that the Federation hasn't adequately trained their doctors and nurses or given them any supplies in my report. It's like the Dark Ages down there. Now, get out of my medbay, the both of you, before I stun you."

T'Pock places her hand on Jim's shoulder and gently leads him out.

"You think he's gonna be okay?" he asks, worry marring his face.

"He is in the best care available," T'Pock assures him. "You are still on duty, Captain. I'm sure Doctor McCoy will keep you informed of the child's well-being."

Jim swallows, nods, and reluctantly follows her to the bridge.

As Alpha shift ends, Jim hurries to the turbolift. After a moment's hesitation, T’Pock elects to visit the labs and check up on several research projects she has been working on. With no frantic notifications from McCoy, she assumes the child has stabilized and assures herself that Jim will return to his quarters shortly after seeing that the child is alright. She believes that until she arrives at her quarters and discovers Jim's empty. Over an hour has passed. 

Frowning, T'Pock hails medbay. 

"Nurse Chapel here," a tired voice sounds over the communicator.

"This is First Officer T'Pock. Is Captain Kirk still there?"

"Yes, he is," Chapel replies and T'Pock thinks she hears laughter in her voice. "Would you like to speak to him?"

"No, I shall arrive presently. T'Pock out."

As she rides the turbolift to medbay, she wonders what could have kept Jim there so long after shift. Perhaps he and McCoy are sneaking that vulgar scotch everyone knows Chekov is hiding. She really ought to write them up for that. She even prepares a gentle but devastating reprimand when she walks into medbay but it is instantly forgotten.

Jim is sitting on the edge of a bed and the young boy, now sitting upright, propped up by pillows and with a healthy complexion, is laughing. Jim is speaking with a warm smile on his face and though his jokes do not make much sense to her, T’Pock cannot help but be entranced.

"Kid's gonna be alright," McCoy sighs, appearing beside her suddenly. He runs a hand over his face and yawns. "He just needs some sleep before going back to the colony tomorrow."

"It appears you do, as well," T'Pock observes.

"Well, tell your Captain to get his ass outta here so we can all get to bed," he grumbles.

"He is also your captain."

"Yeah but he doesn't follow me to bed," McCoy smirks.

T'Pock shoots him a dismissive look before walking towards Jim and the patient.

"Captain," she says, "excuse me, but the doctor informs me that our young patient requires adequate rest before returning tomorrow."

"She's right, kiddo," Jim agrees as the child pouts. "I'll see you off tomorrow, ok?"

"Ok," he nods and yawns.

Jim smiles and tucks the blanket tighter around the child and ruffles his hair, before leaving with T'Pock. They are both silent for several moments before she clears her throat and says, "You seemed quite taken with the Doctor's patient."

"He's a cute kid," Jim says, shrugging. "And scared shitless. First time he's ever been off the colony."

"How fortunate that we arrived when he was taken ill."

"Apparently they had an epidemic of it last year. The damn heads of that place didn't think it was worth notifying the Federation," Jim growls. "I have half a mind to not send him back down there."

"Jim," T'Pock says, vaguely alarmed, "you know that is against regulation."

"I know," he sighs. "It's just not fair." 

"What would you possibly do with a small child on-board?"

"Adopt him!" Jim grins, nudging her shoulder with his own. T'Pock swallows and stares. "I'm just joking, babe," he says and motions for her to leave the turbolift first. They fall into step as they head to their quarters. "Besides, we're gonna have the most awesome kids ever."

"We are?" she asks quietly, her hands clenching tightly behind her back.

"Sure," Jim says, yawning. "Why, with your looks and my brains, they'll be unstoppable." He winks at her as the door to his quarters swoosh open. He steps in and turns, waiting for her to follow. "You coming in?"

T'Pock hesitates before replying, "I wish to meditate for an hour or so before bed. Perhaps later."

Jim frowns ever so slightly and quickly tries to mask it with a smile.

"Sure thing, Tee," he says and leans in to kiss her gently on her lips. "Good night, sweetheart."

"Good night, Jim."

The door between them closes.

 

There is little that disconcerts T'Pock more than not being able to center herself while meditating. Try as she might, she finds that she cannot clear her thoughts. Perhaps it is because she is terribly aware that Jim is often sleeping right in the next room. Aside from missions, they have not willingly spent a night apart since they began their relationship but recently, T’Pock discovers that she falters before following him into his room.

If Jim notices that she is quieter than normal on the bridge during the next several shifts, he says nothing. In fact, he only speaks to her on work-related matters, for which she is grateful. Her mind is disordered and she finds comfort in focusing on her work. She eventually returns to Jim's quarters and though they kiss and hold one another, she is reluctant to engage in sexual relations with him. He does not complain, merely asks if she is well and she assures him she is fine, merely engrossed in a dilemma.

"What sort of dilemma?" he asks gently as lays beside him in the dim room one night.

She hesitates before saying, "A biological one.”

“Is that why you’ve been spending so much time in the labs?”

She stays silent but nods imperceptibly.

He leans over and kisses her, curling a few strands of hair behind her ears.

"Don’t work yourself so hard. Good night, sweetheart," he whispers and gathers her into his arms. Not for the first time, T'Pock is grateful that he is not a touch telepath.

 

Several weeks after the supply run in Alpha Centauri, T’Pock cannot find Jim. After a thoroughly unpleasant diplomatic mission that ended with Jim breaking up a fight between a Klingon and something that looked vaguely like a wookie (Sulu had to explain what that was to her afterwards) and getting a black eye and two chipped teeth, McCoy had ordered him to rest.

Unfortunately, Jim apparently took that to mean that he did not have to stay in his quarters. After a cursory search in the mess hall and the gym, T’Pock heads to medbay and see if McCoy had any idea where Jim is recuperating. She is not entirely surprised to hear Jim’s voice coming from the doctor’s office and if she had been human, she may have rolled her eyes. Then she realizes she hears multiple voices.

The door slides open and both McCoy and Jim look up, smiles on their faces.

“Tee!” Jim exclaims. “Come over here! Say hi!”

“You are supposed to be resting,” she observes, raising an eyebrow, “at your insistence, Doctor McCoy.”

“Dad? Uncle Jim? Who’s that?”

T’Pock blinks.

“It’s that hobgoblin, T’Pock,” Doctor McCoy says smiling and turns back to the screen in front of him.

“Hi, T’Pock!” comes a young voice from the screen.

Jim motions towards her and she swallows before walking to McCoy’s desk. On the computer screen is Joanna McCoy, smiling wildly and waving.

“Hello, Miss McCoy,” T’Pock greets, her hands clasped behind her back.

“It’s Joanna,” she says, rolling her eyes. “How are you?”

“I am well. How are your studies?”

“Good,” she replies, “but boring. Uncle Jim was telling me he fought a wookie!”

“That is not quite true.”

“It totally is,” Jim exclaims. “I basically beat up Chewbacca.”

“But Chewy is my favorite! How could you, Uncle Jim!” Joanna giggles and T’Pock glances at Jim, cataloging the wide, easy smile on his face and his warm eyes.

She remains silent as he and McCoy continue to discuss her education, gossip on the ship, and their various adventures. Neither he nor Jim ever seem to run out of things to talk about with her and in fact, it is rather like they are speaking another language with the young girl. T'Pock is once again entranced by the ease with which Jim is able to communicate with a child. Yes, Joanna is nearly a teenager but they seem to have a comfortable and good-natured relationship. She wonders what it would have been like if she had had an adult to break through her shell as a child. Her mother had certainly tried but her mother had also supported the Vulcan way of living. Perhaps things would have been different.

 _It is illogical to contemplate what could have been_. _The past is completed._

"When are you going to come visit?" Joanna asks suddenly, gazing at all three.

"Not sure, sweetheart," McCoy sighs and T'Pock notices a dark cloud pass over his face. "We've still got two years of deep space travel."

"I wouldn't be surprised if we passed through the Cerberus system sometime soon," Jim says abruptly. "We're not far off."

Joanna lights up and grins.

"I hope so!" she exclaims. "And you'll come visit, too, right, T'Pock?"

"I—if my presence is desired, I shall endeavor to visit, as well."

"You have to! Both you and Uncle Jim, please please please."

"You know I can't say no to that face," Jim laughs. He curls an arm around T'Pock's waist and squeezes her gently. A mischievous glint suddenly strikes his eyes. "Hang on, I thought you said you were going to start calling her Aunt T’Pock.”

At the look of slack-jawed shock and incredulity on McCoy's face, Joanna and Jim both collapse into laughter.

"I prefer Auntie T'Pock," Joanna giggles as McCoy grumbles.

"See, Bones?" Jim says, slapping him on the shoulder. “I always knew it was a matter of time before T’Pock joined the family.”

McCoy rolls his eyes and huffs, a small smile escaping.

"You're lucky I love all of you," he gripes.

T'Pock watches the three humans laugh and she wonders what it must be like to a part of a human family. Fascinating.

"Alright, you kids, someone needs to get to sleep," McCoy says after they compose themselves. Joanna pouts but Jim agrees and they say good night to her, Jim kissing his fingers and waving.

"Good night, sunshine," he says. "We'll visit soon, I promise."

"Thanks. Good night, T'Pock!"

"Good night, Joanna."

She follows Jim out of the medbay and he rests his arm over her shoulders.

"How you doing, Auntie T'Pock?" he asks, nosing at her hair.

"I am well but you are supposed to be resting."

"I am resting," he insists and leans in to kiss her on her cheek. "I just got to hang out with my two favorite girls."

 T'Pock is silent before asking, "Do you miss Joanna?"

"Course I do," he says. "Not as much as Bones does, of course, but she's a great kid." He sighs. "I don't know how he and Sulu do it."

"Are you referring to the fact that they have to leave their children behind?"

"Yeah. I really don't think I could do that."

T'Pock does not respond.

"I need to return to the bridge," she says suddenly. "And you should return to your quarters."

Jim makes a big production of groaning but he smiles, kissing her gently.

"Anything you say, Auntie T'Pock," he grins before heading towards the turbolift.

T'Pock turns away and returns to the bridge.

 

"Your game is off, babe," Jim observes as he gently knocks her king to the side later that evening.

"You frequently win," T'Pock says mildly.

"Yeah, but not like this." He sits back and stares at her, quirking his head to the side. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," she replies. "Do you wish to play again?"

Jim hesitates before saying, "Not particularly. I would like to know why you've been so quiet lately."

T'Pock looks up at him and quickly back down to the empty board.

"I am often regarded by humans as quiet," she points out. "It has never bothered you before."

"This is different," he says and leans forward, laying his hand on the table, palm up, "and you know it."

T'Pock gazes at his open hand, schooling her face and going quite still. With a slow movement, she lays her own hand in his and closes her eyes, overwhelmed with Jim's emotions of LOVE-WORRY-LOVE-MISS YOU-LOVE-LOVE. T'Pock may be a Vulcan, but she is not unfamiliar with the strange, heavy, tickling sensation behind the eyes that signal that tears are imminent.

 _I worry him,_ she reflects. _Is grief the only thing I can give him?_

"T'Pock," he whispers.

She opens her eyes and, not for the first time, is struck by his strangely human beauty. His face is open, his eyes inviting. She swallows.

"I am a Vulcan," she says. "Well, a half-Vulcan."

"Yes," Jim says and furrows his brow.

"It is not in my nature to withhold information; to not be forthright."

"I know."

"But I am having difficulty in collecting my thoughts into coherence."

Jim's grip on her hand suddenly tightens and he takes a shaky breath. There is an odd look of worry mixed with blatant fear on his face.

"Are you ending this?" he asks, his voice quiet.

She starts.

"No," she gasps, "no, of course not. Why would you think that?"

Jim exhales and smiles crookedly.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry, it's just like I said—you've been so quiet and aloof lately and spending so much time in the labs alone and I just...panicked."

"Panicked? You are the captain of this vessel and yet I rarely see you panic."

Jim smiles and squeezes her hand again.

"This is different," he replies. "You’re different. Now, tell me what it is that is bothering you."

"Jim..."

"When I have trouble coming up with the words, I often find it best to just say it simply," he offers. "Straightforward."

Spock nods and takes a deep breath.

"I am infertile," she blurts out. Had she been human, she would've winced.

Jim stares. The air in the room goes still. For the first time since she has known him, she cannot read his emotions.

"Wha-" Jim gasps and he blinks. His hand seems to go cold. "What do you mean? Is something wrong? Are you sick?"

"Sick? I—no. No, Jim, I am not."

He visibly relaxes, exhales and swallows.

"Then there's nothing wrong with you?" he whispers.

T'Pock considers this before saying, "No, not in the manner in which you are thinking."

"Then what-"

"I should have told you before we became intimate."

"Told me what?"

"Due to my hybrid status—"

"No, you're not—"

"Please let me finish." Jim frowns but nods. She takes a deep breath before continuing, "Due to my...parentage, it is impossible for me to conceive. Surely, you remember from your biology classes that hybrid offspring of two different species are often sterile. That is true in my case, as well." Jim says nothing, merely gazes at her with his wide, warm eyes. T'Pock looks down at their joined hands. "I know I should have informed you of this earlier but I wrongly assumed you knew." She looks up again and feels rather like she has been struck in the chest. "But I have seen how you interact with children, how...at ease you are with them and enjoy spending time with them. You have even spoken of our future children, albeit in a lighthearted manner but nonetheless, I can sense that you wish for children of your own someday. And I cannot provide you with that, Jim."

The room is silent for several long moments and she wonders how he can stand it. Jim abhors silence and she has an intense compulsion to fill it.

"Have you not wondered why I have not gone to New Vulcan permanently? Why I have done nothing for my people? It is simply because there is nothing I can do."

Jim's grip tightens again. "That isn't true," he insists.

"I'm afraid it is, biologically speaking." She lifts her hand and places it on her lap. "It is also partly why I was never officially bonded with a Vulcan as a child. Of course, I understand if this is too much for you."

"No—"

"It would be the most logical reaction, after all."

"Damn it, T'Pock, just stop!"

She stares at him, shocked.

"What century are you living in?" he demands.

She blinks.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Do you truly believe that the only way a couple can have children is through conception?"

"I... no, of course not."

"Of course not," Jim repeats. "And do you truly believe that I would leave you because of this?"

"I had no idea," T'Pock gasps.

Jim frowns.

"Do you really think so little of me?" he whispers.

"No, Jim, never. I merely assessed the situation and believed I had discovered a logical conclusion.”

“You mean you assumed," he points out.

"I suppose you may call it that."

"T'Pock," he starts, his voice gentle and warm, "all I want in this life is to be with you. I would love to raise a family with you and if that means we adopt or use surrogacy, I don't care, so long as you are with me. And if it even means that it's just the two of us, that's fine, too, because _you're_ my family."

T'Pock stares at him, her mouth slightly agape. She does not need to touch him to sense LOVE, FAMILY, PROTECT, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE emanating from Jim.

"Jim," she whispers, awestruck.

"If we have no kids or forty, all I want is you by my side," he insists. "We're a team, remember?"

"Yes," she gasps.

Jim's face relaxes into a smile and he stands, holding out both his hands. Gazing up at him, she places her hands in his and stands. T’Pock has the illogical feeling that she is standing on a precipice and yet, she knows she is safe.

"Don't ever scare me like that again," he whispers, his voice thick.

"I apologize."

"And don't ever think you're not good enough or incomplete or something."

 "I was simply stating a biological fact."

"And I'm stating a fact, too."

"An opinion, you mean.” 

Jim smiles and brings his hand up to run his fingers along the shell of her ear. She shivers.

"Do you even want kids?" he asks. "I mean, someday?”

She blinks and quirks her head to the side as she considers.

"Truthfully, I had never thought I would," she admits. "But, as you said, if we are together—as a team—I would be amenable to raising a child. Or several.”

Jim laughs and leans in, kissing her deeply. Waves of love wash over T’Pock and she sighs contentedly, allowing herself to smile against his lips.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Presenting the FINAL chapter of my first Star Trek fanfic! Thank you so much for reading, trust me when I say it means a great deal to me. 
> 
> Also, please be aware that this is unbetaed so please be gentle.
> 
> Regarding the Vulcan phrases, I did research online but if I use any words/phrases incorrectly, please let me know! 
> 
> Thank you again and remember, comments are love! 
> 
> Stop by http://hollymartinswrites.tumblr.com/ to say hi!

**Fifteen Years Later**

The walk from the Starfleet auditorium to the home she shares with Jim and their children just outside of campus usually takes T’Pock an average of 18.2 minutes. When she completes the walk with Jim, however, it takes another 10.7 minutes due to Jim’s fondness of personally greeting anyone he may recognize—from professors to cadets to staff members. Walking with their children, T’Pock knows to add at least an extra 8.4 minutes though she typically finds she does not mind.

Even tonight, walking slowly after a long and rather stressful day, she does not mind. She does not mind watching her two eldest daughters ahead of their parents, Lydia walking with quick, short steps and her hands constantly moving as she speaks to her sister. Saavik listens, her hands still at her sides and taking long, easy strides. Lydia often has to skip to catch up to her sister.

A yawn distracts T’Pock and she looks to her right. Amal rubs a chubby fist against her closed eyes and snuggles closer into her father’s neck. Jim rubs his free hand along her back and smiles at T’Pock over their youngest’s head.

“I’m surprised she made it this far,” he observes. “Thought for sure she was gonna pass out before Demora even got her diploma.”

“She did not?”

“Nah; you didn’t hear her cheering?” Jim grins.

“I heard a tremendous exclamation from your general area in the audience,” T’Pock says, smiling softly. “Lydia was particularly enthusiastic.”

“We didn’t embarrass you, did we?”

“Not at all,” T’Pock replies. “Though I do enjoy seeing the surprise on some of my students’ faces when they realize which are my family.”

Jim grins again and shifts Amal in his arms. She yawns again and cuddles close, blinking her eyes open.

“Ko-mekh,” she yawns, “are we home yet?”

“Your sisters are already on the porch,” T’Pock replies, nodding to her older sisters waiting patiently thirty feet away.

Amal rubs at her face and sighs. Jim reaches up and runs a hand through her hair.

“Did you have fun tonight at Demora’s graduation?” he asks softly.

“It was boring,” she admits. “But Demora looked nice.”

“And how was Ko-mekh’s speech?” he asks, smiling.

“Good job,” she mumbles, closing her eyes again.

Jim laughs softly and leans in to kiss T’Pock on the side of her head.

“You did do a good job,” he assures her. “Great speech." 

“Thank you,” T’Pock replies and steps onto the porch.

“What did you two think of Ko-mekh’s speech tonight?” Jim asks their two eldest daughters as T’Pock unlocks the front door.

“It was really good!” Lydia proclaims.

“It lagged at points but it was suitably inspirational for the graduating class,” Saavik says and follows her sister into their home.

Jim and Lydia roll their eyes but T’Pock smiles.

“Your honesty is appreciated,” she replies. “Both of you. Now it is time to wash up and prepare for bed." 

“I’m not sleepy,” Lydia pouts. 

T’Pock raises an eyebrow and Lydia sighs dramatically before heading off towards the bathroom, Saavik following her.

“I’m gonna put her down,” Jim says, kissing the top of Amal’s head. “Go relax, babe.” 

T’Pock nods and walks into their bedroom. She unbuttons and removes her dress robes, carefully folding them before putting them away. She steps out of her shoes, returns them to her closet, and wraps herself in the warm robe Jim had purchased for her ten years ago. It is starting to show its age but T’Pock finds she is illogically reluctant to part with it.

Walking to the window, she adjusts the shades and gazes out across the dark lawn. The lights of Starfleet Academy shine in the distance and just beyond, the Golden Gate Bridge. Though it is late, the campus is alive with graduates and their proud families and she knows many will stay up to see the sun rise. She allows herself a tiny smile.

The door opens and she does not have to turn to know that Jim is walking towards her. He places his hands on her shoulders and leans in to nose at her ear.

"Amal's down for the night," he whispers, his lips tracing the shell of her ear. "The girls are almost done washing up. Want to go say good night?"

"Yes." She closes the shades and turns to gaze up at Jim, placing a hand on the side of his face. He smiles and sighs contentedly.

"What were you looking at?" he asks.

"The campus."

"Reminiscing?"

"In a sense," she replies. "I was considering that it is rather unusual that we should raise our children only yards from where we first met."

Jim grins and kisses the palm of her hand.

"Remember how devastated I was when they tore down the building where my hearing was held?"

"You lobbied for a plaque to be erected to commemorate our meeting there."

"Still don't know why the board ignored me on that. It would add historical value to this place."

T'Pock smirks and steps away from Jim. She takes his hand and he follows her to the bedroom of their oldest girls. Lydia is climbing into bed and Saavik is brushing her hair in the bathroom. T'Pock leans down and adjusts the covers over Lydia and smiles at her insistence that she is no longer a baby, she doesn't need to be tucked in.

"I believe it," she replies, kissing her on the forehead, "but I enjoy it."

Lydia rolls her eyes but snuggles against her pillow, smiling as her father wishes her a good night and bestows a kiss on her forehead, as well.

"You promise we can stay the whole time at Demora's party tomorrow, right?" she asks.

"I am sure that Demora will eventually want to go celebrate with her friends afterwards but yes, you are permitted to stay for as long as you like," T'Pock replies softly.

"Good," Lydia yawns. "Uncle Bones said Joanna is gonna be there."

"Shh, that's supposed to be a surprise," Jim replies, winking.

"I won't tell anyone," Lydia insists and curls onto her side. "Night night."

T'Pock straightens and turns as Saavik stands in the doorway of the bedroom.

"Time for bed, ashal-veh," Jim says gently but Saavik appears reluctant to enter.

"May I speak to you?" she asks, her voice sounding younger than her years.

T'Pock and Jim glance at one another before following their daughter into the living room. Jim closes the bedroom door behind them.

"What is it you wish to speak of, Saavik?" T'Pock inquires.

Saavik gazes up and then immediately back down to the ground. She brings her hands behind her back and if she were human, T'Pock suspects she would be biting her lip.

"Saavik?" Jim asks, concern on his face.

She looks up at her father, her dark eyes wide, and then sends a silent, pleading look to her mother. T'Pock quirks her head to the side before turning towards Jim, raising an eyebrow. He blinks in confusion before a look of understanding comes over him.

"Ah," he says, "this is one of those conversations." He smiles sheepishly and leans down to kiss Saavik on the top of her head. "Good night then, love." He turns to T'Pock, raises his eyebrows, and says, "I'll be in the bedroom."

T'Pock nods and they both are silent until they hear his bedroom door close.

"Now," T'Pock says gently, "I can sense that something is troubling you. I wish to alleviate you in any way I can. Please share your thoughts with me."

Saavik swallows and gazes up at her mother. T'Pock is mildly alarmed to see worry in her daughter's eyes. _Do not panic_. _She has not said a word yet._

"Ko-mekh," Saavik says and takes a step towards her, "Papa and you went to Starfleet."

"Of course," T'Pock replies, confused. "You obviously are aware of this."

"And practically everyone you know is in Starfleet."

"That is not entirely accurate but yes, most of our friends and loved ones have attended or worked for Starfleet."

"And continue to do so, in some cases."

T'Pock nods.

"Saavik, I'm afraid I fail to understand why this would trouble you."

Saavik sighs and straightens her arms to her side, lowering her head. T'Pock is suddenly struck with the realization that her daughter is still quite young, though she seems to grow each day.

"If I did not join Starfleet," she whispers, "would you and Papa be disappointed?"

T'Pock blinks. Her mouth is abruptly dry. If she closes her eyes, she can see herself years and years earlier, stiffly turning away from her father and the elders.

"Saavik," she whispers, realizing that her silence could be misconstrued as dissatisfaction, "of course not."

"And would you," she continues, raising her eyes which look oddly bright, "be disappointed if I did not attend the VSA on New Vulcan?"  
  
"Ashal-veh, no," T'Pock insists. "I can assure you that."

Saavik stares and then shakes her head.

"That reaction is not logical."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I am half-Vulcan, as you are," Saavik insists. "Vulcans go to VSA."

"Not all of them," T'Pock replies, smiling.

"And the others go to Starfleet."

"Again, not all. It is common, yes, for a Vulcan to attend one or the other but there are many who forge their own paths."

Saavik sniffs.

"But you and Papa—your entire life has been Starfleet," she says. "And Papa always talks about it...as if it is the greatest thing in the universe."

T'Pock is barely able to stop herself from laughing.

"You have not heard the many negative things he has said about Starfleet," she says.

At Saavik's dubious look, T'Pock smiles and sits on the couch, motioning to her daughter to sit beside her. Saavik follows and seems to shrink, trying to make herself smaller. T'Pock resists the very human desire to take her daughter's hands into her own and clasps them in her lap instead.

"Saavik," she begins, "your father and I have recounted the day we were approved to adopt you, correct?"

"Yes," Saavik nods, "many times."

"But I do not believe you are aware of something I overheard your father say two days after we first brought you home."

Saavik quirks her head to the side and looks up curiously at her mother.

"No," she admits, "you have never said anything about it."

"That is because I never admitted to your father that I eavesdropped on him," T'Pock says, smiling conspiratorially.

Saavik widens her eyes.  
 

"That's lying by omission," she insists.

T'Pock smiles and shrugs slightly. "That is not the point. The point is that two days after we brought you home, I woke in the middle of the night to find your father missing. I went to check on you and found him in the living room, holding you in his arms, though you were no longer an infant. I do not know why, but I felt that I could not intrude but I overheard your father speaking to you, though you were sleeping. Do you know what he said?"

"How could I?" Saavik asks, frowning slightly. "I was too young to remember."

T'Pock smiles.

"He said that he loved you with all of his being; that no matter what happened, what paths you chose, what sort of individual you would become, he would always love and support you. And he continues to do so today."

Saavik blinks and looks down at her lap, swallowing.

"He really said that to me?"

"Vulcans cannot lie. You know that."

Saavik considers this and nods.

"And you?" she asks. "You feel the same way as Papa does?"

"That should be obvious. Whatever you wish to do with your life, your father and I will continue to love you. Along with your sisters and the rest of your family." She leans in and kisses her daughter on her forehead. "Now, you should get to bed. We have a long day tomorrow."

Saavik sniffs, smiles, and nods.

"Good night, Ko-mekh. And thank you," she says softly and heads to her bedroom, casting one more shy smile over her shoulder.

After the door closes, T'Pock stands, heads into her youngest daughter's room to kiss her good night—though she is fast asleep—and then walks into the bedroom she shares with Jim. He is laying on the bed, propped up with pillows, and reading a PADD. He glances up as T'Pock closes the door behind her.

"Everything alright with Saavik?" he asks as he lifts up the covers for her. T'Pock slips in beside him and takes the PADD out of his hands.

"Yes," she replies, "she just needed encouragement."

"About what?" Jim asks, laying his arm over her waist and pulling her flush against him. "Or am I not allowed to know?"

T'Pock hesitates before saying, "I shall have to inquire if she is comfortable sharing it with you but suffice it to say, she is feeling better."

"And she's definitely okay?"

"Yes, Jim, I believe so. She is merely struggling as most adolescents do."

Jim sighs and cuddles closer.

"I just don't like seeing her upset. None of the girls," he whispers.

"I am aware but that is a part of life, unfortunately. We can only protect and support them as best we can."

Jim nods and leans down to kiss her.

"We've got some good girls, don't we, Tee?" he says gently, smiling.

"Yes, Jim, it certainly seems so," T'Pock agrees and kisses him softly.

She relaxes into his arms and closes her eyes, falling asleep with Jim's arms around her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please remember to comment! Come over to http://hollymartinswrites.tumblr.com/ to say hello! xoxo


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